Not a Victim
/“Sow a thought, and you reap an act;
Sow an act, and you reap a habit’
Sow a habit, and you reap a character;
Sow a character, and you reap a destiny.”
Photo by Meghan Holmes
Everything starts with a thought. Our thoughts lead to action and our actions become habits. The habits we develop form our character and character leads to destiny. I don’t mean fate, but rather the fact that we reap the seeds that we sow. If we sow tomato seeds we will reap tomatoes, not potatoes, and if we sow negative, angry, thoughts full of self pity, we will reap a negative destiny full of misery rather than peace and contentment and life.
It is becoming more and more apparent to me how much power our thought life has over our lives overall. From my personal life experience, the experience of others, as well as from my studies, I am convinced that if we can get a handle on our thought life, our lives overall can and will be dramatically different.
I’m pretty sure we all have those memories that come back to us at random times that cause us to cringe. Sometimes they cause us to feel embarrassed and we want to crawl under a rock all over again, and sometimes they bring on immense feelings of shame. Or how about the horrible scenarios that thank God have never happened, but we live out in our minds? At some point you catch yourself and ask, “What the heck am I doing?” Why do we do that to ourselves? Craziness!
Yes, some of us are more optimistic than others but we can all improve on our personal attitudes of optimism even if we’re considered a pessimist. Some people seem to be naturally optimistic but I’m not sure if it’s more of a nature or nurture thing. Probably some of both, but I am personal testimony that a pessimist can become an optimist. For me and perhaps many of us my pessimism was learned. I was afraid to hope and bought into the lie that if I didn’t expect much then I wouldn’t be disappointed. If something good happened it was icing on the cake, but if it didn’t then it was fine because I didn’t expect it. The truth is that there is still disappointment even when you try not have expectations.
I read a church sign as I was driving that said, “Your attitude affects your altitude”. There is a lot of truth in that statement. I’ve been reading a book on the victim mindset and it definitely reflects the truth of the signs message. The fact is that we have all been victims of hurtful behavior. Children are often times victims of their circumstances without the ability to change them. That powerlessness all changes with adulthood. We cannot control what happens to us, and we cannot control other people, however we can control how we choose to deal with what happens in life.
Photo by Federico Respini
Definition of a victim- someone who is harmed by an event even though that person was not responsible for the incident and could not prevent it.
A victim mindset:
- Sees life through a perspective that bad things continually happen to me
- Sees life as beyond my control
- Believes that I am powerless to take action
- Is a learned behavior
- Believes I have been wronged
- Believes the worst
- Is filled with negative emotions
- Expects sympathy, attention, and validation for my suffering
- Blames others
- Is stuck in self-pity
- Tells “Tales of Woe”
- Is defensive
- Is self-deprecating
- Refuses to analyze and change
- Is a set-up for failure
(Freedom from the Victim Mindset by Karen Turner)
There is truth in this list. Sometimes we are wronged and sometimes bad things do happen to us. Some of it is indeed beyond our control and some of it is a consequence of our poor choices. We have established the fact that victimhood is a part of life. So what are we going to do with it? We can remain in the victim mindset and live a self absorbed pretty miserable life blaming others and seeking sympathy and validation, OR we can take control and power back and change things.
Photo by Maaike Nienhuis
There are many factors and experiences that affect our lives and identities. There are tragedies and atrocities that I am in no position to address, but what I am referencing are the challenges we face as relational people who need to know that we matter, that we belong, and we have a purpose.
As far as I know there is no such thing as a perfect parent. I didn’t have them and I haven’t been one. We try and we do our best but we make mistakes. As a result we all have issues right? Some of us more so than others. Because we are an imperfect people, we hurt each other and let each other down, whether intentionally or unintentionally. The most powerful step we can take in moving out of victimhood is forgiveness. This is not usually a quick fix, or an easy one time decision, but it is absolutely necessary. Empathy and understanding enable us to extend grace and forgiveness.
What exactly is grace? “A prominent Old Testament word describing God’s grace is chesed. This word speaks of deliverance from enemies, affliction, or adversity. It also denotes enablement, daily guidance, forgiveness, and preservation.” So since God’s grace delivers us from enemies, affliction, and adversity, and enables us, provides daily guidance, forgiveness, and preservation, there is no basis for remaining in a victim mindset.
“The New Testament word is Charis. It focuses on the provision of salvation. In the New Testament grace means God’s love in action towards men who merited the opposite of love. Grace means God moving heaven and earth to save sinners who could not lift a finger to save themselves. Grace means God sending his only Son to descend into hell on the cross so that we guilty ones might be reconciled to God and received into heaven.”
“Grace may also be defined as the unmerited or undeserving favor of God to those who are under condemnation.” (Moody Handbook of Theology)
Photo by Gaelle Marcel
In daily life grace means we cannot have one standard for ourselves while holding others to another standard. If we desire grace, patience, and understanding, we must be willing to extend grace, patience, and understanding. Matthew 18:21-35 tells a story of this exact scenario and it did not end well. The short paraphrase of this story is that there was a man who owed a King the equivalent of millions of dollars. The man could not repay the money so the King ordered that the man, his wife, his children, and everything he owned be sold to pay the debt. The man begged the King for patience and promised to repay the money. The King “was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.”
Here’s the bad news. When this man left the King, rather than gratitude for his freedom motivating the same in his heart, he went and found a man who owed him a few thousand dollars (versus the millions he owed), “grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.” This man had the same response as the first, but with a much different outcome. He also fell down and begged for more time to repay the money, but the creditor refused his request and had him thrown into prison. When the King heard about this, he called the man back, called him evil, and threw him in prison.
The truth is no one deserves forgiveness but we all need it. Jesus knows that if we hold onto unforgiveness it only hurts us. I’ve heard unforgiveness described as drinking poison but expecting it to affect the other person. It obviously doesn’t happen that way. It ends up poisoning us with bitterness, hatred, entitlement, and misery which is another form of prison, make no mistake about that.
It is important to understand what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not saying, “It’s okay”. It is not okay for parents to abandon, abuse, or neglect children. It is not okay for a spouse to have an affair and destroy their family. It is not okay to lie, cheat, or steal from another person. It is not okay, but it is forgivable. Forgiveness is a choice we make with our will and not our feelings. It takes work. Forgiveness requires a time to grieve and acknowledge the pain and anger, but move through all of that to a place of letting it go.
There is so much on this topic, but I’ll end with judgement. Jesus says, “He who is without sin cast the first stone.” There is no one without sin. We are all on an equal plane in that respect. And Jesus says sin is sin. Mine isn’t greater than yours and yours isn’t greater than mine. I don’t live in your skin and your world and you don’t live in mine. The time in which we live, birth order, personality traits, life experiences, and so much more plays a part in why and how we live the way we do.
Photo by Elijah O'Donell
Have you been the victim of childhood sexual abuse? Then don’t judge someone who may be acting out promiscuously, turning to alcohol or drugs. Have you been the scapegoat in your family where all the blame was placed? Then don’t judge someone who is full of anger. Have you been profiled because of your appearance? Then don’t judge those who live with that daily reality and the resulting frustration and anger. I could go on and on, but the point is that Jesus is the only one who was there through it all with each one of us. He is the only one who understands and knows how to reach us, to help us and he will. He wants nothing more than to see us healed and freed to live a full and abundant life.
“To whom will you compare me? Who is my equal? Asks the Holy One. Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars? He brings them out one after another, calling each by its name. And he counts them to see that none are lost or have strayed away. O Israel, how can you say the LORD does not see your troubles? How can you say God refuses to hear your case? Have you never heard or understood? Don’t you know that the LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted, and young men will give up. But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:25-31 (NLT)
Whatever is keeping you stuck in feelings of powerlessness and fear take it to the cross. Reach out to someone you can work through it with because life is too short to waste it in misery and a victim mentality. You are a VICTOR not a victim, you are an OVERCOMER, not overwhelmed. That is who you are, even if you aren’t living it out. Reject the lies and embrace the truth. You are loved.