What Do We Do With Why?

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Intimacy requires vulnerability and vulnerability requires trust. I’ve heard intimacy described as “into me see”. If I’m going to allow someone to really see me, see into my heart, know my hopes and dreams, my fears and insecurities, it’s going to be someone I trust.

Intimacy is also defined as:

  1. Close familiarity or friendship
  2. Closeness of observation or knowledge of a subject
  3. A private cozy atmosphere

One of my hopes in writing this blog and in everything I do is to help reveal the true character of God. Satan our enemy, is subtle, strategic, and smart. A dangerous combination. Part of his strategy is to convince us that God is not approachable or safe. Honestly how many people have not had that perception of God at some point in life? I suspect many of us are still there. In fact it may be a belief we battle our entire lives, but hopefully to a much lesser degree the more we learn, grow, and experience Him.

A.W. Tozer writes, “What comes to mind when we think about God is the most important thing about us...the most portentous fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like.”

Many of us believe that it is wrong or irreverent to doubt or question God, but how many of us deal with our marriages that way, or any significant relationship? Stuffing our hurt and confusion leads to distance not intimacy, and intimacy is key. God invites us to be real and transparent with him. He can handle our human emotions and he understands us better than we understand ourselves. He knows a word before it’s on our lips and in Isaiah 1:18 he invites us to process our emotions and experiences with him. “‘Come now, let us argue this out’, says the LORD, ‘No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove it. I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you as white as wool. If you will only obey me and let me help you, than you will have plenty to eat. But if you keep turning away and refusing to listen, you will be destroyed by your enemies.”

This doesn’t sound like a harsh God to me, it sounds like a passionate God full of love with the answers to the pain of life and a God who longs to help us. A God who invites us to come as we are even if it’s with fists in the air demanding answers. I have no doubt the parents who lost children to the school shooting in Florida have questions and have demanded answers from God in their excruciating pain and loss. If I were in their shoes I can assure you I would.

My son’s senior year of high school he lost four friends in his graduating class within nine months. All the boys were in the same friend group and it was devastating to the entire community. The first was in September due to a train accident, and the other three were killed in June in a car accident together. I’m sure there were so many “why’s and if only’s” from their families. I am only a friend not a mother, and I felt anger and grief and wanted to know why. I cannot even begin to imagine the ongoing anguish of their families. My son had those moments and he shared a story with me that is pretty amazing. It was about a month or so after the car accident that took one of his very best friends. He was sitting out on the sand on the bay in Ocean City in the middle of the night literally yelling at God, demanding why through his tears. He told God he better make good on his promise of Romans 8:28, and bring crazy amounts of good out of such tragedy and loss. It wasn’t instantaneous, but he looked up and he saw a shooting star. A few minutes later...he saw three more shooting stars. Evidence of a God who grieves with us, who understands our emotions, and who cares and answers.

Photo by Ken Treloar

Photo by Ken Treloar

Do we always get an answer to the why? Unfortunately we do not, at least not in this lifetime. Lysa Terkhuerst wrote a book called Uninvited, and in the book she explained how easy it is to get stuck in the why. I firmly believe that in order to process our hurt and anger in a healthy way, the why is necessary. There does however come a point that we must move on to acceptance. If we remain stuck demanding a reason or explanation, the result will be like quicksand sucking us deeper and deeper into anger, bitterness, and despair.

In times of pain and confusion we are most vulnerable and Satan in his strategic deceit tempts us to nurture our anger and bitterness. He tries to promote doubt around how a good God could allow… It is often in these times that people either turn towards God or away from him. None of us are immune to tragedy and heartbreak but I can personally testify to the fact that as much as we will allow, God will redeem all of our pain. My life verse became my son’s life verse after the tragic loss of his friends and classmates. He has tattooed on his chest Romans 8:28 because he experienced and is continuing to experience the fulfillment of this promise that says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” This promise doesn’t lessen the ache of missing those we love so much, but it eases it a bit. It means the deaths of John DeReggi, Jacob Dennis, Patrick Shifflet, and Cary Greene are not vain. It means that God refuses to allow the loss and the pain to be vain and wasted. The more access we give Him to our pain, the greater good he can and will work from it. In this way their legacy lives on and they continue to touch and influence this world in a way that has an effect on eternity. For that I am grateful beyond words.

We are all touched by tragedy in this life but we have a God who walks through it with us, grieves with us and carries us. Romans 8 is one of my favorite chapters. Verse 18 brings us encouragement that, “Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.” We were made for so much more than this world as amazing as it is. We were made for a world beyond our imaginations, and because of sin Jesus died to make it possible. No matter what life brings, and it brings both beauty and pain, we have the hope of eternity in the place we were originally made for. John and Christine, Charlie and Trina, Walt and Lily, and Maurice and Danielle have the hope of spending eternity with their sons because of the sacrifice of Jesus. In the meantime, in the time of waiting, we hold on to this truth.

Photo by Kat Smith

Photo by Kat Smith

“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

I dedicate this to the memories of John DeReggi, Jacob Dennis, Patrick Shifflett, and Cary Greene. I dedicate it in honor of their families as well as all families who have lost a child. Thank you for the inspiration you are to our community and the world as you courageously walk this life in anticipation of the day you will be reunited with your beautiful children.

To all who grieve, “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you know.”