Get Real
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“Jesus has both head knowledge and heart knowledge of you. He knows the number of hairs on your head. But he doesn’t only know facts about you; he also knows your heat...Not only does he know us, He wants us to know Him in that same heart knowledge kind of way.”
I love this truth about God. As someone who has been a bit timid and introverted, I haven’t always allowed people to really know my heart. I learned throughout my younger years that it wasn’t always safe to share my heart. Maybe that is at least partially what led to journaling for me. It was a safe way to process my thoughts, hopes, dreams, and fears. There was no one there to shame or criticize.
Journaling evolved into writing out my prayers. By prayers I mean getting honest with God. Sometimes it would be venting about a particular person or situation. Sometimes I would share my feelings of sadness and hopelessness, and other times anger. For instance when my mom passed at the age of 52 within two months of her cancer diagnosis I was angry. I poured out my heart to God, my questions of why. Why her? Why so young? I poured out the grief that my 21 month old son would not remember her, and the injustice of a lifetime of goodbyes with my mom. It was the realization of a dream unfilled. One that would never be. I’ll never get to really live life with my mom.
After the age of five, I never lived with her. She loved my sister, brother, and I and we loved her, but because of her woundedness she wasn’t able to provide a safe normal home for us. At 32 years of age I wasn’t still holding out hope to live with my mom, but I did have the desire to live near her and share life with her. I hated the constant goodbyes.
Back to the original quote about God knowing us fully and His desire for us to know him. My mom’s death was something that sort of forced me to get to know God more. My journal entries started out with grief and anger but every entry ended with my acknowledgement that God is God and he is good and he was and is my hope. The in between wasn’t always pretty, but that is the point I guess. Intimacy requires honesty, and honesty is not always pretty. In my grief my honesty was full of gut wrenching pain. I was grieving my mom’s death but also the finality of never having that traditional mother/daughter relationship. My mom wanted it too and she was so good at sharing her love, but that life long dream died along with her.
It seemed like I was left with a lot of unanswered prayers and I needed to understand. God is so gracious. In Isaiah 1:18 he invites us to come with our honesty. He says, “Come now, let us argue this out, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be like snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.” Whether we tell him or not, he already knows our deepest darkest secrets, our most horrific thoughts and he loves us anyway. He understands our humanness and the fallen world we live in. His hope is to help us navigate through this life if we will allow it. This can only be accomplished through close intimate knowledge of one another. He knows us and he sees us as he originally created us to be, without the wounds, scars, and effects of sin on our lives. He sees us as righteous and blameless because Jesus covered our sins. Jesus died to open the way back to intimacy with the Father so take advantage of this gift and make the most of your life! Be courageous and share your heart with God. He is safe and will help you and heal your fears and insecurities. He will give you freedom to be you and freedom to live out your life in abundance.
If you are a follower of my blog you know about Romans 8:28. God used my mom’s death in so many beautifully life altering ways. Too many to share here or this would be way too long. He turned what Satan meant for destruction into such beauty. Through the process of getting real with him, he was so faithful. He walked with me through the process. The more I sought him the more I discovered his true nature. The more I grew to know him the more I loved him.
As Joseph stated in Genesis 50:20, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” This can be our proclamation as well. No matter how we are hurt in life or what mistakes we may make, it is God’s desire to use it for our good. The caveat is that we must allow him in and give him access. As Psalm 139 tells us, “You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely.” He is safe I promise. Get real with Him!